Dear Management: Hazardous Problem!

Well, friends, “this is pretty disgusting, so prepare yourselves…”

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Email Subject: Hazardous problem!

Hello Meredith,
 
My name is XXX and I live at XXX in XXX Community. Sadly, I was one of the people who had a difficult time being able to meet the time requirements for my door(s) to be painted. I am no longer going out of town so I am available AFTER 6pm on Fri. 8/15 and the afternoon of Sat. 8/16….please let me know if these times work or are possible.
 
Unfortunately this is NOT the real reason I am emailing you today. I did receive the letter that your company send out about taking bids and finally deciding on a paint company to repaint our community. But I am writing to tell you that you may want to consider a different company because they may become a liability to you. This is pretty disgusting so prepare yourself…..but one of the painters literally defecated behind the bushes of my house. Honestly I probably never would have known because I rarely go crawling in the woods back there….but what is really disgusting is that when it was raining yesterday I let my dog out in our back yard (I’ll normally take him for a walk) he came out of the woods with tissue in his mouth….this tissue was contaminated with human feces. So whoever literally defecated, wiped, and left the tissue and their feces in my back yard. I’m sure you agree this is totally unacceptable, human waste is a BIOHAZARD and can be contaminated with all kinds of diseases. Not to mention a bathroom is either a door knock away or at worst a 5 minute drive to the gas station/shopping center up the street. I’m pretty upset because now I’m not sure what to do with my dog, and who knows what kind of diseases he might be contaminated with. We tried our best to “sanitize him” with baths and chemicals but I’m most likely going to have to take him to the vet to ensure he wasn’t infected with anything. And even the thought of one tiny microscopic particle of another human’s feces getting on me (because I had to clean my dog) is pretty outraging and disgusting….I should probably go to the doctor myself to also ensure my health and safety. So I am unsure what the next steps are as far as this is concerned. I feel that it is quite obvious that if I have to take my dog and myself to the doctor that I should not have to pay for these bills…considering I wouldn’t be dealing with this if the painters you hired didn’t defecate in my backyard, 15 ft. from my house. Not to mention the neighbors behind my house have children who play in those woods…so this is a pretty disgusting problem that doesn’t necessarily just concern me.
 
Please email me back at XXX to give me your perceptions and opinions on where we should go with this situation. Thank you very much.
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Wow! Where to start with this one, right? What a shrewd piece of deduction! 

Painters in the neighborhood+ feces-contaminated tissue in the woods = Painters contaminated the tissue with the feces in the woods.

“Perceptions” and “Opinions”:

1.) I do not know anyone in his or her right mind, painter or non-painter, who would squat behind some bushes in a neighborhood in broad daylight when a bathroom is indeed a door knock or 5-minute drive away (“Haha! I know – let’s pretend like we’re camping, Bill!”)

2.) Even were this highly unlikely situation to occur, I also do not know anyone who carries around tissue in case they need to #2 in the bushes behind someone’s house.

3.) According to the email, there are three possible locations for the ”defecation” to have occurred: behind the bushes of the house, in the woods, or in the backyard 15 feet from the house. Or possibly a combination.

4.) Finally, what is more hazardous for the dog - a poopy piece of tissue or being sanitized in chemicals!?!
 
So, having shared my reaction to the Hazardous Problem email, I will leave you to ponder these thought-provoking…thoughts.

Oh – and don’t go crawling in the woods/bushes/backyard vegetation without a HAZMAT suit if you know what’s good for you.

Dear Management: To the Geeks

I always dreamed of growing up to become a bespectacled cubicle dweller sending violation letters for a living (not really). And in my two years working for homeowners associations, I’ve found that people tend to respond – when they respond at all - quite maturely and rationally to these missives telling them to cut their grass or not to park on the street (not really). In fact, most of the written replies I receive are well-worded, respectful and carefully crafted (not really).

Example:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Haha, this letter full of sarcasm and wit is really going to get Them! I’ve pulled from my arsenal all of my best zingers – words like ‘geeks,’ ‘duh,’ and ’stupid.’ Man, when They get this letter, I’m pretty sure These People are going to think twice before tagging my car again. I may not be able to spell, but boy, can I threaten! Ha! Haha!”

Because gems like the above correspondence (sent, by the way, anonymously and addressed to no specific association) are too classic not to share, I will be making Dear Management a regular feature of my blog. Stay tuned for more!